I read, I travel, and I will be an old spinster. Because I cannot bear the responsibility of ruining another life. So don’t bring one into this bruised cruel world. People say blood ties are the strongest ties you could ever been tied up to, but no wonder there are people prefer S&M in a red room, ’cause it’s simpler and easier.
Self loathing is one of the greatest gifts my father could ever pass on to me. And I hold on to it from time to time. Yes, that’s the so-called “loser”. I accept that, given the fact of running away from home all these years. But who says being a coward is an easy path? Well, it doesn’t lead you to death. Everybody says I’m brave, but the only couple I’d like to please could never be pleased no matter how hard I try. Reason? Because I don’t have a Ph.D.
By having that title, it guarantees me a future job and respect, and in the end, money. I have none of them. My confidence and arrogance are constantly being stepped by people who did what the society asked them to do. I don’t care about them, but blood ties, can you escape that? Yes, to some extent, then the modern technology gets you, the guilty of filial piety gets you, you stupid Confucius!
There is no encouragement in my life to offer me any strength to continue to live. My only willingness to keep going is just I want to see the world, and also to joke about myself in the end of my life — what a loser you turned out to be!
See? The courage I have is just a sense of humor and some repressed tears.
I loved Philip Larkin, and he didn’t let me down. He knows me, from above and beyond.